So today is "World No Tobacco" day... a little gift from "Health Professionals Against Tobacco." Thanks guys... no, really, thanks a ton. Wow, what would I do without a whole day dedicated to no tobacco? Hmm... guess I'd have to up my smoking to 2 packs a day.
I think the biggest problem with smoking that I have is that guy. You know the guy I'm talking about; that guy in every single stinkin' 7-11, standing there with a loaded gun, saying, "buy those God damn cancer sticks and have that pack done by the end of the day or I'm coming looking for you." That's the guy that wakes me up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat. He scares me worse than the Boogey Man, Freddy, Jason, and the Menendez brothers all rolled into one. Man, if I wasn't forced to smoke by that guy, I would certainly stop this very minute... but because he's out there, somewhere, polishing that cold steel and carrying around that one bullet like Barney Fife in his left shirt pocket with my name on it, I have no choice but to light up this lovely tobacco product, grown right in the heart of Virginia. Mmmmmmmmm... that's better.
For those of you that don't get cynicism or sarcasm, that guy does not exist. There's no firearm-wielding disciplinary smoking Nazi that forces me to pay $5/pack for cigarettes. No one's making me smoke. No one's banging on my door at 3AM yelling through my peephole that I'd better light up or they're going to have to identify me by dental records. No one's holding my guitar hostage. No one's got my Mizuno softball mitt in some deep dark dungeon and sending it back to me finger by finger. No one's stolen my Lance Armstrong bracelet and is sending me emails that say they're going to cut it in half with a rusty pair of scissors if I don't light one up right this very minute because they've hidden a remote control camera in my stuffed gorilla head cover and they'll know if I don't do it. I was convinced for a while that my ex was doing all of the above, but it turned out just to be Columbia House. Thanks for the CDs, by the way... 12 CDs for a penny??? How can I lose?
What am I getting at here? In case you're sitting at home reading this with a helmet on, the point that I'm making here is this; smoking is a choice. No matter how much those Truth.com ads on TV say that big tobacco spends on marketing per year, the bottom line is that it's still a choice. Yes, people, I do, in fact, smoke. I like to smoke. I enjoy the practice of smoking, and I do so pretty much whenever the hell I want. The key phrase of that sentence is "whenever the hell I want." In other words, if I don't want to, I don't have to.
Friends, I do acknowledge that smoking is harmful and addictive. I get it. I'm not going to tell you that cigarettes have Vitamin C and Calcium in them. They don't. But here's the thing; I know this. I know that it's not good for me. You don't have to tell me this, or hold up signs or spend your marketing money on television ads that tell me that smoking is a health hazard. I'm not stupid. I get it.
What I don't get are these TV ads. The one that's particularly moving is the one that shows some poor woman in a wheelchair with an oxygen tube running below her nose, then cuts to the picture of some kid, and has the tagline; cigarettes killed their mother. While it's sad and tragic, and my heart goes out to those poor kids that do/did lose a parent to smoking, that ad does not, in any sense of the word, make sense. Was there a giant horde or giant cigarettes that suddenly sprouted arms and legs and showed up her door one night wielding guns, or did she make the conscious decision to smoke for however long, contract a disease because of smoking and then die? I think it's the latter. I think a more appropriate tagline for that little media blitz should be, "Smoking killed their mother."
Here's my question; let's say that I decide to head out to my local watering hole tonight. Let's say that my favorite beer is on sale tonight at the low, low price of 6 for a dollar. Let's say that I have $2 in my pocket, and that I drink the amount that my cash reserve allows. Hmm... a little quick math... 12 of my favorite beers consumed. Let's now say that somewhere around beer 10.5 that some girl starts talking to me, and has a thing for guys with a receding hairline, a penchant for Jimmy Buffett's music, and blue eyes. Let's further say that I finish my remaining 1.5 beers, convince her that she should really see my Pez dispenser collection, and she should hop in the car with me. Furthermore, let's go forward and say that because I've had an inordinate amount of beers and now I'm behind the wheel and in no condition to drive, that on the way home, I slam into a busload of penguins that are on their way back from a free minnow convention, and a couple of them hit the seat in front of them and choke on vendor samples of platinum minnows that were made for Paris Hilton and they die. Yes, people, I know it's getting a little ugly, but I'm making a point here. If any penguins are actually reading this, I don't mean you any harm or malcontent. Anyway, let's say that 10 months later, the aforementioned girl from the bar calls me up and says, "congratulations, it's a boy." Meanwhile, I've had my license revoked, and I've been in court for the last 10 months with penguin support groups. I'm now bankrupt and have a kid... all because I got hammered and made a few bad decisions.
My question is; is it fair to say that beer ruined my life? Did beer make me do all this? I knew the risks, I made the choices... how far off is this? I know it's kind of a long way to go for this analogy, but seriously, is this any more ridiculous than suing McDonald's for making their coffee too hot and burning my legs when I spilled it, or suing that same company for my own obesity? Would we start to see commercials with my ugly mug plastered all over it with the tagline, "beer ruined this guy's life"? Again, I think the appropriate slogan would be, "drinking ruined this guy's life."
Please, please, please understand that I know it's a pretty big leap in logic, but really how far off is that analogy? Yes, I know there's not a lot of busloads full of penguins out there at 3AM in the Park Avenue area of Rochester, NY. Come to think of it, I've only seen like 3 and I've lived here for 10 years. Also, please, please, please understand that my heart does go out to any child who's lost a loved one to any smoking-related illness, and I am not making light of the situation. To be honest, I can't think of many things sadder than growing up minus a parent. It's got to be difficult, and if this has affected you, I am truly sorry.
The only point I'm making here is that it is, in fact, a choice. There is no "that guy." I don't think that we really need a "World No Tobacco" day. If you want to quit, quit. There are plenty of smoking cessation tools out there, and a bunch of them are free. Yes, I know it's tough to do. My old man says, "quitting is easy, I've done it a hundred times." If you want to quit, quit for whatever reason you feel you need to, be it your wife wants you to, your kids don't want to see you get sick, or you're afraid of penguins (they're attracted to cigarette smoke).
On that note, I'm going to get going... can't seem to find my Mizuno softball mitt.
Until next time, as always...
R
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