My Own Private Evolution

After sitting home for the past 2 weeks, I think I've finally found my true calling and what to do for a career. It took a lot of soul searching, but I think I have to follow my heart on this one. I know people, I know, I know I've had this revelation before, but this is something I need to do. Here it is; I'm going to travel the country with an orangutan that knows obscene finger gestures, and make my living bare knuckle fighting in rusty old car lots. I'm going to wear skin tight t-shirts and call myself Filo. If anyone can find a flaw in this plan, I'd be more than happy to entertain any thoughts on the subject.

Obviously people, I've had a lot of time to think about just about anything and everything during my time off. It's amazing the stuff that goes through your mind just sitting home. Stuff like, maybe I should buy a house, maybe it's time to get married, maybe I should head South and not deal with the amazingly lousy winters of Upstate NY, or maybe I should add another olive to this martini. How many olives are too many, by the way?

The thinking last night was a result of something that my sister sent me in a text message. It was something to the effect of how it kind of sucks that our mom is getting married for the second time and we haven't had a chance yet. To be perfectly honest, I thought that was kind of bullshit... for a couple reasons. Reason one is that I did have a chance to get married. I was actually engaged... obviously that didn't pan out because I'm not writing an alimony check every month. Reason two is that I think that any one of us has a chance every day. The trick is not to settle (no, I don't think that my mom is settling by any stretch of the imagination). People, the fact that I'm not married has absolutely nothing to do with my happiness. So I'm not married and maybe I never will be. Three words... big fucking deal. I don't need that to validate my life or who I am. Would it be nice to have someone to share my life with? Sure it would. However, it's not something that's going to keep me up at night. I have a great group of friends, and I like to think that I, more or less, share my life with them. Granted I'm not sleeping with them, well, most of them, but you get the idea.

Why she (my sister) is so bummed about this is beyond me. Maybe it's different for girls. Maybe somewhere in the evolutionary ladder there was some point where if a female Neanderthal wasn't married (or clubbed over the head and dragged by her hair) by a certain age, all the other Neanderthals pointed and giggled. Quick sidebar here... I'm not sure if that would have actually happened because of the opposable thumb and forefinger that we currently have, and I don't know when that happened in the evolution of the species. Or maybe earlier in the evolutionary process if a chimp didn't breed or take a mate by a certain age, then they weren't able to attend any of the monkey bridal showers or monkey bachelorette parties. I know it doesn't seem like a big deal now, because you're probably thinking the same thing I'm thinking... how much fun could a monkey bachelor/bachelorette party be? What with the ridiculous pricing on monkey flights to Vegas, monkey strippers, monkey wet t-shirt contests, monkey mud wrestling... you know what I mean. Not to mention what a pain in the ass it has to be to find a monkey limo driver. It's just not the same.

I will tell you this, though. It's just not that big a deal for guys. Well, I should say it's not that big a deal for most guys. When you're a guy (such as I am), you can be 40 years old and single and nobody will give it a second thought. We just don't care. Well, I shouldn't say that. It's not that we don't care, it's simply that it's not a priority. People ask me this all the time when I tell them my age; don't you want to get married? My standard answer is, "I don't know." Really, think about it... there's so much to consider in that question. It's not like, "don't you want some ice cream?" That's an easy one. I don't have to consider if I'm going to spend the rest of my life with that ice cream. Simply because it'll either pass through my digestive system or melt and eventually evaporate. It's a little different with a life altering decision. I guess it would be an easier answer if there were a different set of circumstances in my life right now. Am I ready to get married today? No. Tomorrow? Probably not. Next week? Next month? Next year? Again, I don't know, but as long as Blogger will keep hosting my page, I promise I'll keep you updated.

As far as my dear sister goes... she'll be fine. I lived with her for 14 years under my parent's roof, and if that's any indication, I'm sure she's not the easiest person in the world to date. I'm sure I'm not either... but I think I'm getting better. Once I get this bare-knuckled fighting thing off the ground, I'm sure I'll be a better spousal match for just about anyone.

Regardless, I do have to get going. It's almost 7:30 and time for Seinfeld, and besides, my phone's been ringing off the hook with text messages, and I feel guilty ignoring whoever is on the sending end of this wonder of modern wireless technology. Hence, in order to clear my conscience, I must sign off... wonder if "The Bachelor" is on tonight.

Until next time...

R